Hatchet III

I've been a fan of the Hatchet series ever since it started. It's crazy, funny, gory, and all the elements to be considered a horror fanatic's dream. This is supposedly the last film in the series. That being said...I can't help but feel like there was something missing. For starters, Adam Green was not in the director's chair. That task went to BJ McDonnell. He's mainly known as a camera operator, but name a recent movie you've seen and chances are he's the guy that had part in filming it. I personally think that's why this didn't have the same spark as the first two. It's not a bad thing, but when you watch it you can just tell something is missing.

Then there are the characters. MaryBeth is back, but in this one she's more psycho bitch than grieving daughter/sister. On the one hand, that could be expected after a 2nd final showdown with Victor Crowley. But for 87 minutes, and she manages become less likeable and annoying? It just didn't seem right. There's a whole new group of characters, but none of them seem all that interesting to care about. We do have one other familiar face: Parry Shen. It's great to see him, but I can't help but ask why he's back yet again.

I forgot to mention the sheriff and his ex wife. He's kind of a dick, and she's like this New Age hippie that lost her career trying to prove Crowley exists. I'm all for new characters, but these two were idiots. Both risked life and limb (pun intended) just to prove one another wrong. I'll let you guess how that goes. Now that I think about it, everyone was kind of an asshole. I don't think that's how you would want to end a trilogy.

I give this a 3 out of 5. It's definitely not terrible, and you'll probably love it if you're a hardcore fan. But I couldn't help but feel like it just wasn't the same. There's some great one liners as always, Crowley is still massive and brutal, but everything is just...there. And then there's this weird mush of a story line that seems to fall flat very quickly. It sets everything up, but there doesn't seem to be any real conclusion. I'm guessing it's because Adam Green is still hoping to continue the series, although it will be a whole new cast of characters that are affected by Crowley. I say see it at least once. It is still pretty entertaining even with its flaws.

Hypothermia

Given the last few weeks, I'm seriously considering changing the name of my blog to "The Bowels of Netflix". And this is the movie that is making me want to do just that. Unlike most of the B-movie cinematic turds I have seen, we actually have a well known actor in this one. I think that makes it so much sadder. Michael Rooker stars as one of the main characters. Unless you've been living under a rock for the last 3 years, you'll remember him as Merle Dixon on The Walking Dead. I personally loved him in Slither, but the guy has been in the business since before I was born. He's a talented actor, and it's that fact that makes it hard to believe he would agree to act in something as horrible as this.

Rooker is Ray, a guy that wants to ice fish with his wife, son, and his son's girlfriend. The peaceful vacation is interrupted by a big city assface and his "slow" son. They all kiss and make up when they realize there's the mother of all catches lurking under the ice. But it's actually a monster. A sea monster, that is a cross between the Creature from the Black Lagoon, a shark, and a tree. I'll let you guess how good the makeup is in this.

One thing I really don't get is how stupid these people are. They quickly figure out the monster is attracted to any vibrations through the ice. If you have vital information such as that, why in the name of all things sacred would you stay in a very loud trailer right on the ice that uses a shaky generator for power? And then, you basically leave people in prime position to be maimed. That's another thing I didn't understand: the creature was extremely violent and strong, so much so that you start to think there's something supernatural going on. Nope, just a ridiculously smart and strong man-fish.

So, all the men die and the women (finally) high tail it back to land. The creature reaches them just before they make it to the steps, and goes for the kill. The women cower, and the wife gives a speech about how everything has been taken from them and they just want to walk away with their lives. At this point I wish Man-Ray ripped their faces off, but he lets them go. To sum it up, the women survive by using the power of love. The. Power. Of. Love...

I don't even know what else to say. You waste the talent of a great actor, your monster looks like a damn Scooby Doo reject, and instead of rubbing a couple brain cells together for a good ending you end your movie with the message that love conquers all...even against giant man eating fish mutants. This gets a 0.  I think we need to start a law that requires all scripts to be read by qualified people with taste before they're made into feature films. Then atrocities like Hypothermia might not happen.

Martyrs

Have you ever seen a movie so hard to watch that it felt like you heart was ripped out, put in a blender, and the soupy remains are poured back into your chest? That is really the only way I describe what it's like to watch Martyrs. I remember seeing this on the shelves of Blockbuster back in 2010. I just never got the chance to watch it. But, after the recommendation of several people in Horror Geeks, I decided to give it a shot. And...for the first time I'm completely stunned. I don't know how to properly review this just because of what happens.

I cannot ignore that this was brilliantly done. The acting and makeup looked so real that I had to remind myself that I wasn't watching a snuff film. But the subject matter and visuals are like a punch to the chest. It feels like all of the air is taken out of your lungs, and you're powerless to stop it. The director Pascal Laugier even included an intro on the DVD to apologize for the events you're about to witness. And after watching the movie, I can honestly say nothing can prepare you for something like that.

I'm not going to give anything away. I think you need to just see it for yourself. I also learned Laugier is in negotiation to have the movie remade in America with a "happier ending". I think that's a terrible a idea. Let's be honest: life is not always happy, and sometimes the villains win. Martyrs makes that point vividly clear, and still manages to shove it down your throat.   It's amazing how shocking and brutal this is, but that's what makes it so good. I give it a 5 out of 5. Go out and buy it, and spread the word about it. This is something that needs to be seen at least once.

Blood Runs Cold

I don't know much about this, other than it's one of the new B-movie releases on Netflix. The plot is far from original: friends go to a cabin in the winter time to have sex and get drunk, only there's a crazy psycho blah blah blah, you know how this is going to go. Except the actual delivery of the film is nothing like how it's described. We start with some female singer songwriter that goes to an empty cabin to clear her thoughts and write new music. Her manager is a jerk (for whatever reason), and wants her to also do interviews with the press to generate buzz for her nonexistent album. After 15 minutes of her exploring the house with an expression that makes Kristen Stewart seem over-dramatic, she goes to a local bar.

There, she finds her ex that she dumped for "fame and fortune", and his friends Captain Douche and Miss Forgettable. They have the bright idea to go back to the cabin, and we're treated to 2 of the most boring 10 minute sex scenes. The next day comes, and all of the singer's guests are slaughtered like pigs. I mean, there is bloody everywhere, ear piercing screaming, and quite a bit of property damage. Now, most people with half a brain would say oh shit and get the hell out of dodge before they become the next victim. What does our "heroine" do? Cleans up the blood, fixes the damage, and starts writing songs. You read that correctly.

Another 20 minutes of her hearing noises, and she finally meets the killer. I should probably mention that towards the end we're lead to believe the killer is some supernatural force. I was willing to accept it until she stabbed him, and a cloud of dust along with a fart noise came out. So what is this guy? A ghost? Demon? Immortal? I don't know. No, I really don't know. He's presented as some...thing that kills and eats people, and he can't die. The end.

This whole thing is a case where whoever made this did not give a shit. They got some funding, convinced 2 chicks to get naked, and got to spray blood everywhere. And it's stuff like this that pisses me off. It's 85 minutes I can't get back, and that time could've been devoted to watching something that's actually worth the celluloid it was filmed on. This gets a zero. If you want to see a cabin trip from hell, look for Cabin in the Woods or Donner Party.

Spiderhole

I love IFC original movies. I don't know why, but Indie films hold a special place in my heart. That being said, there are always exceptions. I came across Spiderhole on Netflix and decided to give it a shot because it's only around 80 minutes long. I'm starting to think the shorter a horror movie is, the worse it's going to be. But I'll expand on that later. We follow four twenty-somethings that decide to become squatters in London...even though their lives seem pretty comfy. They frequently say it's going to be amazing to be free from society. What has society done to these young adults that makes them decide to go the hobo route? Nothing. They just want to smoke pot, drink, and screw each other. I think they could've done all of that in one of their mothers' basements, but to each his own.

After the most boring sex scene in cinematic history, the group discovers a cabinet that has bloody clothing and also some brain matter. At this point, most people would say hell no and get out. Not so with our group that we're supposed to root for. The ringleader says they should sleep first, and then check to make sure their humble abode is on the up and up. So to make sure we're on the same page: college students become squatters because of reasons, they find what obviously looks like remnants of a brutal murder, but ignore it in favor of drinking and sleeping. At this point, we still have to deal with these people for an hour.

They wake up 12-18 hours later and find that the vodka bottle just sitting around next bloody clothes had been spiked with roofies. Shocker. It is then our champions for the Darwin Awards decide this shit is not right and try to leave. However, the doors and windows have been welded shut. I have to stop here for a second. They want to be "free from society" for stupid reasons. Okay, that's fine. But they choose the one house that is obviously isolated, and also refuse to scope out the place to at least make sure it is safe. And we're supposed to feel sorry for them when they get turned into steaks?

I haven't even gotten to the best part. The person that locked them in and starts the off-screen torture is a man whose father was murdered. I think. It's not quite clear, and after a while you just stop caring like I do right now. To save you 80 minutes, I'll sum it up: stupid asses decide to become squatters because the world is a big meany face (or something), ignore glaring red flags, then die one by one by some dude that gets his rocks off by dissecting people.This is a 0. It's slow, dumb, and has so many plot holes it makes Swiss cheese jealous. I haven't really seen any horror movies about squatters, so I can't recommend anything better. And to be honest if movies about squatters are like Spiderhole, I'll pass on the whole sub-genre.

Kill Katie Malone

I first saw this two years ago when I first signed up for Netflix. I also had this compulsive need to watch every horror movie in their catalog. And, to my surprise, I think it's still pretty decent for what it is. It's about a ghost of an Irish peasant girl whose soul is bound to a box. Whoever owns the box, is also owner of her soul. But there's a steep price that comes along with being Katie Malone's owner. I do have to point out one annoyance. It lists Dean Cain on the cover. I'm going to tell you now it's just a poor tactic to lure you into watching this. I'm not even sure if people born after 2000 even know who he is. The rest of us would remember him as one of the many incarnations of Superman. I can commend him for still getting work, but he has also fallen into straight to DVD hell.

There's also Stephen Colletti. I only know who is because I watched way too much MTV between 2004 and 2008. He was one of the spoiled rich kids on Laguna Beach. But once again, I will give credit where it is due. He has made a nice transition into TV and film. He was in another decent horror movie called Mask Maker. And that pretty much rounds out anyone that is remotely recognizable and talented. The overall pacing and story is okay. It's downright campy at times, but it's still watchable.

I give it a 3 out of 5. It's not completely good, but it is one of the better movies available on Netflix. Once you get past the camp, some of the slow parts, and questionable special effects, it's a good movie to watch to kill some time. And I believe this marks the first time I watched a movie and still liked it a second time. I already know this good news will be short lived...

Shrooms

I really don't remember how I came across this a couple years ago. All I know is I thought it was amazing, and one of the best horror movies I have ever seen. Now I realize whatever I was smoking at the time must have been good if I actually liked this movie. The plot is a bunch of college kids go to Ireland to ingest the mother of all shrooms and have a trip to end all trips. While tripping, they discover they're not alone, and a local urban legend is quite real and out for blood...or is it? I think I'm making this sound way more interesting than it actually is.

I just have more questions than anything. Why would you spend an ass load of money just to take shrooms? I'm pretty sure you can go anywhere in the country for the same thing. And why would you put together a group of people that obviously hate each other? There's Mr. Steroids, Kim Kardashian wannabe, Miss Hipster/Hippie, and a guy that can pass as Jason Mewes stunt double. And of course there's the blonde goody two shoes heroine and her dark, brooding Irish friends with benefits. You also get to listen to these idiots bicker and turn on each other for 80+ minutes.There's also the fact that that blondie takes the PCP of shrooms and almost overdoses. We're then subjected to what are either visions or hallucinations. It gets old fast, but the worst part is they just used the same scenes over and over. There's the hyper sped up version that are supposed to be the visions, and then the normal speed. So, if you take out the repeating scenes, I think this whole thing would only be about 40-45 minutes.

To put a pretty bow on the crap present: the characters are horrible people, the visuals are annoying and laughably bad, and the entire thing is just stupid when you really sit and think about it. I don't know what the I was thinking. This gets a 1 out of 5. I give it that much just because the plot is original. Everything else is just lazy and unintentionally comical. After viewing this for a second time, I've come to terms with the fact that I had no taste in movies between the ages of 16 and 21.