Magic Mike

WARNING:

In case you've been living under a rock for the last few months or just don't pay attention, this is a movie about male strippers. Therefore I do not want to hear any complaints about my opinions/preferences on the subject matter. 

Yes, I paid money to see a movie about male strippers. On the other hand, Channing Tatum is one of the sexiest actors around. I did not want to see this for the story. At the same time,  I never thought a movie about male strippers could be so underwhelming. The first 20-30 minutes are great. There's just hot half naked men dancing and doing things that I'm pretty sure only happen in Tampa. Then...everything falls apart.

We're subjected to about 6 different plot points. None of them are really resolved. They pop up, screw up someone's life, and all is forgotten. And we quickly discover that most of the stuff going on has nothing to do with Mike. It's all about his new protege Adam, who is the biggest ass monkey I've seen on screen all year. His sister doesn't want him stripping, but then quickly forgets about it and doesn't bring it up anymore. Conflict resolution in this film is basically not bringing it up ever again.

And then there's the acting. Dear god, the acting. I've come to terms with the fact that Tatum is nothing more than a great face and amazing body. Everyone else? I think they all reached enlightenment for terrible acting. The "love interest" first comes off as cold, then uptight and finally a judgmental bitch. Matthew McConaughey must've smoked copious amounts of weed in between takes because he just sounds high all the damn time. I was also forced to watch his wrinkly butt flop around on a stage half naked. And Olivia Munn quit what was probably the best video game gig in the world just to play the two-timing slut.

So the story is pretty much non-existent, and the acting is abysmal. There has to be long scenes of the guys being stupid hot for no reason, right? No, because then I wouldn't be complaining that much. All of the raw sexual energy is quickly expelled during the first half hour. That was probably the best half hour of my life. However, if the entire premise is based on male strippers in Florida, every other scene better be Tatum dry humping, booty popping or pelvic thrusting. I don't care if that sounds disgusting. I hate false advertising, especially when it comes to anything sexual.

To recap we have bad acting, no concrete plot, a two hour running time with only 30 minutes of stripping. I give it 2/5. Why does it get 2/5? I saw Channing Tatum naked. I consider that to be the only redeeming factor out of this whole thing. I would recommend something else, but is there a movie about stripping that isn't porn? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Memory Lane Special: Antichrist

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Ted

It's a freaking teddy bear that smokes pot, has sex and cusses like a sailor. What more do I need to say? Think of this as an unrated Family Guy minus the Meg abuse. But it actually works. Seth MacFarlane just has a knack for being the most outrageous and vulgar characters, but this one actually sticks out. It's just a movie about a guy growing up with a talking teddy bear, and finally learning to be on his own. Thankfully it's not as mushy as it sounds.

This is not a film for people that don't like crude humor. It can be borderline offensive, but that's what makes it hilarious. Mark Wahlberg is great as John. You can tell he knew the premise was pretty ridiculous and he just ran with it. Mila Kunis was a bit weaker as Lori. She's kind of the Kristen Stewart of the whole movie. She just doesn't really emote, and her delivery falls flat. All of the supporting cast is great though, and there are quite a few cameos from Family Guy cast members. Also, there's this super creeper played by Giovanni Ribisi. He's obsessed with Ted, and wants to steal him to give him to his very pudgy son, Robert. The only thing I wished for was more of his back story. A character that creepy is bound to have numerous issues.

All in all, I thought this was one of the funniest movies I've seen in my life. Given the plot, I wasn't expecting much except for a few cheap laughs. I was surprised at just how funny it is. The only downside is the editing. It's very choppy, and there are no seamless transitions between scenes. Other than having one of the worst editors in the world, it's perfect if you just want a good laugh. I give it a 4/5. It's a great comedy, but stay away if you're easily offended.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Let's get one important fact out of the way: this was never meant to be a comedy. I normally don't factor other reviews into my own, but it's becoming so annoying that I have to bring it up. It's not based on humor. Lincoln's mother is killed by a vampire, and he devotes most of his adult life becoming stronger to avenge her death. What part of that could possibly be considered funny? Now that my first rant in almost 3 weeks is over, let's get into the actual movie.

I'll admit that I thought this was going to be bad. I figured it'd be great for gore and action. Once again, I was wrong. Seth Grahame-Smith is a very strong screenwriter, and Timur Bekmambetov proves that he deserves to be known for something other than Wanted. Benjamin Walker did a solid job of portraying Lincoln. Then again, I wasn't exactly looking for complete historical accuracy, and I also don't really care. The rest of the cast were  very good. The main complaint I have are the villains: first vampire Adam and his enforcer/sister Vadoma. The one thing about this film is that when the action gets started, it comes at you hard and fast. It's very intense. Rufus Sewell and Erin Wasson just don't have the same intensity as the film for the first half, and they drag it down.

I will say Sewell definitely redeems himself in the second act. He plays Adam like this silent and downright malicious evil genius. It's completely brilliant, and quite terrifying. Wasson never does anything except look pretty in dresses and runs into battle only to be shot in the head with iron, and quickly dies. One out of two isn't horrible, I guess. I will also mention that one of the plot points was a very smart choice given the time period. I won't give it away because you should go see the movie.

I was surprised to see that one of my favorite actresses was the leading lady. I love Mary Elizabeth Winstead. She can do no wrong. Yes, I even loved her in the craptastic voyage that is Final Destination 3. I thought she was great as Mary Todd. She's an important part of Lincoln's development as a man, and she is definitely a strong supporting character.

I'm almost positive there are "glaring" historical inaccuracies, but I would also like to remind you that the film is called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. And do I really seem like the type to give a rat's ass about history? I didn't think so. So, for action, gore, an interesting plot and solid acting, I give it a 5/5. I was very entertained, and it was quite memorable. The only real flaw is villains that are a tiny bit weak to start, but come back with a bite (no pun intended).

Prometheus

I think this is one of those "abandon all hope" type of movies. I know I had high hopes that it was going to be the super amazing awesome prequel to Alien. I mean, just look at it from a technical standpoint: the running time is over 2 hours, and it's produced and directed by Ridley Scott. What could possibly go wrong? I'm starting to learn that if a movie plot seems awesome, it's going to suck.

This is such a letdown that I don't even have enough material to rip on. Nothing happens. I wish I was lying, but it's true. There are no gory kills, a mutinous crew or (like the rest of world was waiting for) aliens. Want to know why they called this the prequel to Alien? At the end, some humanoid race get impregnated by a face hugger, and the mutated result sort of resembles the alien we're used to seeing. It's one scene that doesn't even last 3 minutes.

Another problem is the casting. Well, 2 people in particular. Noomi Rapace plays Elizabeth Shaw, an archaeologist. Noomi Rapace is best known for playing Lisbeth Salander in the original The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. She also had a supporting part in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. In both films, she is the definition of bad-ass female action star. Naturally, I thought she would basically be Ripley's predecessor. The character is the opposite of that. That's not a bad thing, but Rapace just isn't known for playing weaker characters and that is blatantly obvious. She looks so uncomfortable, and it's hard to feel anything when you can see the actress doesn't care for the character either.

The big name is Charlize Theron. I'm guessing she's supposed to be the bitchy boss/minor villain. I didn't buy it. To be more exact, it just didn't make sense. What did she have against the crew chosen for this mission? My first thought was there was some underlying power struggle, but you later find out she was never going to inherit the company anyway. And that's another thing: the plot goes from trying to discover the beginning of mankind, to family politics. It's not a smooth transition.

I also have no idea what's going on with whoever is rating these movies, but they need to be fired. It's rated R, but there's no sex, no extreme gore, and I'm 90% positive they don't even drop an f bomb. The only scenes of gore are a guy gets his arm partially broken and you see a tiny bit of bone poking out, a couple people get set on fire, and a robot gets decapitated. Maybe I'm desensitized, but I'm pretty sure you see stuff like that in PG-13 movies, too.

I'm at a loss here. It's just two hours of nothing, and there's no sex or violence to make it mildly entertaining. My first review after a week, and it's a goose egg. I am very disappointed, Ridley Scott. If you want to see a space mission gone wrong, just watch Alien and don't hope for a decent prequel.

Inkubus

I love Robert Englund. I love the fact that he chooses to play the most over the top characters, and he totally pulls it off. Inkubus is no exception. If only the rest of the cast was as good at acting as he is. Besides Englund, another face you might recognize is Joey Fatone. He's the chubby one from 'N SYNC. And he's been the host of a couple shows that never got picked up for a second season. He plays Detective Tom Carretti, the head of a police station that's about to be demolished. We start the film with him supporting his wife while she gives birth. Things go from boring to hilarious when her stomach gets ripped apart by a demon baby that looks like a Jim Henson reject. The even was so traumatic that he ends up in a mental institution. That's right, this is one of those telling the end first and re-telling the events type of plot.

The re-telling begins with Carretti screwing one of the deputies. Seriously. Well, actually it looks like he's having sex with table and she's just bouncing under him, but whatever. After 10 minutes of exposition, they bring in a teenage boy covered in his girlfriend's blood. During questioning he tells the cops that a man appeared out of nowhere and decapitated his girlfriend. Of course this sounds way too crazy to be true, but right on cue Inkubus (Englund) walks in with the girl's head and "surrenders". Then all types of hell breaks loose.

One officer beats the crap out of the teen. Another gets disemboweled and hung by his own intestines. A shrink gets cut it half by a huge knife. It's so gory and chaotic, but it works.
Here's the only thing I love about this whole movie: Inkubus is the world's biggest douchebag. He completely destroys everyone's life in an instant, and it's brilliant. The rest of the cast? It's like they collectively decided to ham it up. It doesn't work. The rest of the movie is him making everyone hallucinate and kill each other. I think. It's not clear whether or not there's actually a demon, or if everything is "a physical manifestation of the demons each person has to face". While that might be an interesting plot in theory, I don't understand how killing each other in gruesome ways is facing your demons. Guess I don't think "deep" enough.

All things considered, this movie isn't horrible. It's an interesting premise, Englund is creepy as hell, and the deaths are pretty awesome. What drags it down is the rest of the cast. Everyone overacts, and there's really not enough character development to feel bad for them. I give it a 3 out of 5. It's not fantastic, but it's worth at least a one time watch just to see Englund do what he does best.

Chernobyl Diaries

Oh Oren Peli. The man behind one of the dumbest franchises in existence, Paranormal Activity. He didn't direct Chernobyl Diaries, but he did have a hand in the screenplay. That's how you know this movie had no chance whatsoever. For those of you that have the blissful privilege of not sitting through any of the Paranormal Activity films, let me sum up Oren Peli's writing style: nothing happens for the first 45 minutes, a lot of cheap jump scares, nothing is explained, annoying characters, and in the end the ghost/demon/villain always wins. To his credit, he tried something different for Chernobyl Diaries. Well, actually he didn't try at all.

We start with 3 people backpacking through Europe. We also see Jesse McCartney in his first live action movie role. Who is he? Some dude who sings mediocre songs, and is one of the new computer generated chipmunks. I never said he was famous for anything credible. They're on their way to Kiev to meet up with his brother Paul. After a good 20 minutes of pointless chatting and an almost confrontation with some locals, Paul comes up with the "genius" idea of Extreme Tourism. The location? Pripyat, the home of the workers of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor. I know that if everyone had said no, there would be no movie. However...Pripyat has very unstable fluctuations in radiation. Call me stupid, but that right there makes me want to just take my ass to a beach and get hammered. That is my definition of tourism.

The morons meet up with the world's worst tour guide, and two other meat bags. They set off for Pripyat. As soon as they get to the gate, there's security forcing them to turn around because of "maintenance" issues. They decide to just take a back way to get into the city. A mutated fish and yet another 20 minutes later, we get to the whole point of this damn thing. They go back to the van after almost getting attacked by a brown bear (seriously) where they discover the wires in the ignition have been chewed on. Did I mention their tour guide works alone, and no one knows they're there? You probably figured that out. So Mr. chipmunk and the tour guide decide to try to walk back to the entrance of the city to get help. At night. Armed with one gun and a flashlight.

Not even a minute passes before the tour guide is dragged off, and Theodore gets his leg mangled. From here on out, it's just a shaky cam mess. Everyone just dies rapid fire except for Theodore's brother and his now love interest. They somehow end up in the reactor, and get bombarded with radiation. They make it outside, only for the brother to be shot and the girl gets carted off to some medical facility. She gets placed in a dimly lit cell. The last scene is her being...eaten? Raped? Heavily tickled? It cuts away so damn quick that you're not sure if she lives, or if she's going to be turned into a zombie mutant. Yes, that is what lies in the ruins of Pripyat: zombie mutants.

I'm still trying to figure out how this script got picked up. It's freaking stupid. Nothing happens, there's zero character development, and you don't even get a good look at what's attacking everyone. And it's not even a damn diary! This was made to look like a movie, not a vacation video from hell. If something is called Chernobyl Diaries, I fully expect it to look like there's someone holding a handheld camera and I better see dates and crap. And it's rated R. For what? A broken leg and some f bombs? All of the deaths happen off-screen. You have a damn R rating... Why don't you freaking push it to its limit?! It really doesn't take a whole lot to get an R rating anymore, does it? -5/5. As you can see, I don't have warm fuzzy feelings for Oren Peli. If you want to see the ultimate vacation from hell, check out Cabin in the Woods or The Descent. I would recommend something that's in actual diary format, but those are always bad, too.