Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Given the last few weeks, I'm seriously considering changing the name of my blog to "The Bowels of Netflix". And this is the movie that is making me want to do just that. Unlike most of the B-movie cinematic turds I have seen, we actually have a well known actor in this one. I think that makes it so much sadder. Michael Rooker stars as one of the main characters. Unless you've been living under a rock for the last 3 years, you'll remember him as Merle Dixon on The Walking Dead. I personally loved him in Slither, but the guy has been in the business since before I was born. He's a talented actor, and it's that fact that makes it hard to believe he would agree to act in something as horrible as this.
Rooker is Ray, a guy that wants to ice fish with his wife, son, and his son's girlfriend. The peaceful vacation is interrupted by a big city assface and his "slow" son. They all kiss and make up when they realize there's the mother of all catches lurking under the ice. But it's actually a monster. A sea monster, that is a cross between the Creature from the Black Lagoon, a shark, and a tree. I'll let you guess how good the makeup is in this.
One thing I really don't get is how stupid these people are. They quickly figure out the monster is attracted to any vibrations through the ice. If you have vital information such as that, why in the name of all things sacred would you stay in a very loud trailer right on the ice that uses a shaky generator for power? And then, you basically leave people in prime position to be maimed. That's another thing I didn't understand: the creature was extremely violent and strong, so much so that you start to think there's something supernatural going on. Nope, just a ridiculously smart and strong man-fish.
So, all the men die and the women (finally) high tail it back to land. The creature reaches them just before they make it to the steps, and goes for the kill. The women cower, and the wife gives a speech about how everything has been taken from them and they just want to walk away with their lives. At this point I wish Man-Ray ripped their faces off, but he lets them go. To sum it up, the women survive by using the power of love. The. Power. Of. Love...
I don't even know what else to say. You waste the talent of a great actor, your monster looks like a damn Scooby Doo reject, and instead of rubbing a couple brain cells together for a good ending you end your movie with the message that love conquers all...even against giant man eating fish mutants. This gets a 0. I think we need to start a law that requires all scripts to be read by qualified people with taste before they're made into feature films. Then atrocities like Hypothermia might not happen.