Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Best of 2012

Yeah, I'm like every other movie reviewer on the planet. So what? I'm funny and I say more than "it sucks don't see it". 2012 was definitely a surprise. There were so many movies that I was excited to see that were a complete disappointment, but there were quite a few that were true masterpieces. A couple of you might ask me why I'm not doing the worst movies first. It's because that is a much longer list, and I believe ending the year on a more realistic note. Without further ado, let's get into the best of 2012.

5. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
I feel like the only person on this earth that liked this movie, but screw you it's my list. When I see a movie, I'm not looking for Oscar material (although number 1 definitely is). I want to be entertained. I want to laugh. I want to care about the characters and whether they live or die. I felt that way watching this. It's great action, it's funny and it's just something different. I'm all for something that's different and not most of the 2 hour time wasters that are being churned out at a rapid rate (I'm looking at you, Prometheus).

4. The Watch
It's Superbad level of raunchy comedy with aliens. How could you not think that's hilarious?

3. The Expendables 2
A true action flick with so much action it will make your testicles explode. It's gory and violent and Stallone is pretty hot. Do not judge me. I think Van Damme hasn't been speaking English for a few years because his accent is very thick. It works, but it makes anything he says unintentionally funny. That aside, this is the only good action flick of 2012.

2. The Avengers
You knew this was going to make the list. What else can I say about it? It's pretty much the perfect movie. As much as I love this one, there's one that beat it by a hair. So what is it? What do I consider to be the best of the best? Well...

The number 1 movie of 2012 is:
It's a horror movie, and the ONLY good horror movie of 2012. God bless you, Joss Whedon. This came out of freaking nowhere, and I love it. They managed to keep this movie so under wraps that the trailers barely gave anything away. I was actually stunned. It's a great script, the cast is incredible and best of all it restored my faith in film making. It's a break from the norm that us horror fans needed. So thank you Joss for making sure 2012 didn't completely suck.

Honorable Mentions (The "Meh" Pack):
The Dark Knight Rises
I wanted to like this one so badly. I just can't. It's not bad at all. But it is way too long, and I couldn't help but feel like I was watching 2-3 movies all stuffed into 3 hours. Bane is the most terrifying villain I've ever seen, but I wish they had done something different with his voice. It just sounded too cartoon-like to me. If they had spent a little more time on it, it would have been a better movie, and it would have made this list.

I'm very on the fence about this one. It starts off great, then it kind of takes a hard left. Then there are all these glaring plot holes. Even if you don't quite the whole concept of time travel, you just know the events laid out in the movie don't make any kind of sense. So you end up sitting there trying to figure out what the hell they're talking about. It's distracting, and it makes your head hurt. It's a great script in theory and the cast is spectacular, but what they came up with just wasn't quite all there.

I know what you're thinking. It's a kid's movie with zombies, so based on my other reviews I should love it, right? Not quite. It's not horrible, but I felt like it was borderline adult in subject matter. There were so many jokes and concepts that the average kid that sees this just won't get. It kind of takes away from the fun of it all. Also, it's pretty damn terrifying for a kid's movie.

Wreck-It Ralph

Oh I am not going to gain any new fans for this one. It just wasn't that great to me. I mean it's semi entertaining, and there's a great twist at the end. But the moments in between are just too long and pointless to me. Maybe it's because I'm not a huge video game fan. It's just the definition of "meh" to me.

There you have it. That's my list. Love it? Hate it? Did I miss a movie or two? Let me know in the comments. In the meantime, stay tuned for the worst of 2012. That's...going to hurt me and you.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Magic Mike

In case you've been living under a rock for the last few months or just don't pay attention, this is a movie about male strippers. Therefore I do not want to hear any complaints about my opinions/preferences on the subject matter. 

Yes, I paid money to see a movie about male strippers. On the other hand, Channing Tatum is one of the sexiest actors around. I did not want to see this for the story. At the same time,  I never thought a movie about male strippers could be so underwhelming. The first 20-30 minutes are great. There's just hot half naked men dancing and doing things that I'm pretty sure only happen in Tampa. Then...everything falls apart.

We're subjected to about 6 different plot points. None of them are really resolved. They pop up, screw up someone's life, and all is forgotten. And we quickly discover that most of the stuff going on has nothing to do with Mike. It's all about his new protege Adam, who is the biggest ass monkey I've seen on screen all year. His sister doesn't want him stripping, but then quickly forgets about it and doesn't bring it up anymore. Conflict resolution in this film is basically not bringing it up ever again.

And then there's the acting. Dear god, the acting. I've come to terms with the fact that Tatum is nothing more than a great face and amazing body. Everyone else? I think they all reached enlightenment for terrible acting. The "love interest" first comes off as cold, then uptight and finally a judgmental bitch. Matthew McConaughey must've smoked copious amounts of weed in between takes because he just sounds high all the damn time. I was also forced to watch his wrinkly butt flop around on a stage half naked. And Olivia Munn quit what was probably the best video game gig in the world just to play the two-timing slut.

So the story is pretty much non-existent, and the acting is abysmal. There has to be long scenes of the guys being stupid hot for no reason, right? No, because then I wouldn't be complaining that much. All of the raw sexual energy is quickly expelled during the first half hour. That was probably the best half hour of my life. However, if the entire premise is based on male strippers in Florida, every other scene better be Tatum dry humping, booty popping or pelvic thrusting. I don't care if that sounds disgusting. I hate false advertising, especially when it comes to anything sexual.

To recap we have bad acting, no concrete plot, a two hour running time with only 30 minutes of stripping. I give it 2/5. Why does it get 2/5? I saw Channing Tatum naked. I consider that to be the only redeeming factor out of this whole thing. I would recommend something else, but is there a movie about stripping that isn't porn? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Memory Lane Special: Antichrist

I'm sure you all know by now that I'm a huge gore and horror fan. Nothing shocks me. I've seen people dismembered by every instrument you can imagine. I've seen men get raped by brooms, knives and guns. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm quite desensitized. But...there is only one movie in all my years of film watching that I shut off because of just one scene. Keep in mind that the movie was around 95% done by the time that this scene happened. I didn't care. I was absolutely horrified by what I had seen that I refused to tough it out for the last 15 minutes. So what was the scene? A woman loses her mind and cuts off her own clitoris with a pair of rusty scissors. And...it's a close up shot.

Don't ask me why that's the one thing that got to me. I've sat through a lot of crap, but I just could not get past that. I saw Antichrist 2 years ago. I wanted to do something special for my birthday, so I gave myself the very masochistic challenge of completing the movie. I accomplished two things. I finished the movie, and I also realized how butt awful it is. I think this beats The Human Centipede as the worst movie I've ever seen. Without further ado, let's abandon all hope for Antichrist.

The story is about a couple that loses their son, and they try to repair their hearts and minds. If only it were that wholesome. In actuality, we see them screwing on every surface of the apartment. We're also treated to an extreme close up of Willem Dafoe's comically large penis entering Charlotte Gainsbourg's vagina. I know they're stunt naughty bits, but I still hate this movie for implanting the idea of Willem Dafoe naked and having sex. One's psyche does not bounce back from that. Anyway, while they're going at it like jack rabbits, their son gets out of his crib. He manages to climb onto the ledge of a window, slips and falls to his death.

Objection #1: Kids are loud as crap. The movie clearly shows the boy pushing a chair to reach the window. Have you heard a metal chair sliding across a wood floor? I don't care how loud you are during sex, you'd hear something like that. I'm also going to assume that the boy cried out as he was falling. Once again, the parents of the year should have heard that. The point I'm trying to get at is there were several moments were the boy could've been saved. Which leads us as the audience to think that they really didn't want to have a child. We find out at the end of the movie, that that's actually the truth.

I'm not even going to give this movie anymore thought. It's incredibly screwed up, and I prefer not to think about it. The writer/director was going through a deep depression at the time of writing the script, and it completely shows. It goes from super artsy to hardcore porn to supernatural. There's no point, and no continuity. Unfortunately, all this is is the visual representation of a man's depression. And it gets dark and dirty fast. I feel bad for Lars von Trier, but I have to wonder what happened for him to want to showcase such horrible imagery. What symbolism could possibly be taken from seeing a man's testicles brutally beaten, and then his wife gives him a hand job that results in bloody ejaculate? And the same question but for the scene that caused me to shut the movie off the first time I saw it. Why the hell would you show people this?!

Horrible characters, incredibly disturbing imagery, a non existent plot and a twist that makes no sense earn this a goose egg. I understand that using art to get through depression is very therapeutic. But scenes of violent sexual assaults and genital amputation/mutilation? I think a priest is the only one that can get rid of whatever mental issues Lars has.


It's a freaking teddy bear that smokes pot, has sex and cusses like a sailor. What more do I need to say? Think of this as an unrated Family Guy minus the Meg abuse. But it actually works. Seth MacFarlane just has a knack for being the most outrageous and vulgar characters, but this one actually sticks out. It's just a movie about a guy growing up with a talking teddy bear, and finally learning to be on his own. Thankfully it's not as mushy as it sounds.

This is not a film for people that don't like crude humor. It can be borderline offensive, but that's what makes it hilarious. Mark Wahlberg is great as John. You can tell he knew the premise was pretty ridiculous and he just ran with it. Mila Kunis was a bit weaker as Lori. She's kind of the Kristen Stewart of the whole movie. She just doesn't really emote, and her delivery falls flat. All of the supporting cast is great though, and there are quite a few cameos from Family Guy cast members. Also, there's this super creeper played by Giovanni Ribisi. He's obsessed with Ted, and wants to steal him to give him to his very pudgy son, Robert. The only thing I wished for was more of his back story. A character that creepy is bound to have numerous issues.

All in all, I thought this was one of the funniest movies I've seen in my life. Given the plot, I wasn't expecting much except for a few cheap laughs. I was surprised at just how funny it is. The only downside is the editing. It's very choppy, and there are no seamless transitions between scenes. Other than having one of the worst editors in the world, it's perfect if you just want a good laugh. I give it a 4/5. It's a great comedy, but stay away if you're easily offended.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Let's get one important fact out of the way: this was never meant to be a comedy. I normally don't factor other reviews into my own, but it's becoming so annoying that I have to bring it up. It's not based on humor. Lincoln's mother is killed by a vampire, and he devotes most of his adult life becoming stronger to avenge her death. What part of that could possibly be considered funny? Now that my first rant in almost 3 weeks is over, let's get into the actual movie.

I'll admit that I thought this was going to be bad. I figured it'd be great for gore and action. Once again, I was wrong. Seth Grahame-Smith is a very strong screenwriter, and Timur Bekmambetov proves that he deserves to be known for something other than Wanted. Benjamin Walker did a solid job of portraying Lincoln. Then again, I wasn't exactly looking for complete historical accuracy, and I also don't really care. The rest of the cast were  very good. The main complaint I have are the villains: first vampire Adam and his enforcer/sister Vadoma. The one thing about this film is that when the action gets started, it comes at you hard and fast. It's very intense. Rufus Sewell and Erin Wasson just don't have the same intensity as the film for the first half, and they drag it down.

I will say Sewell definitely redeems himself in the second act. He plays Adam like this silent and downright malicious evil genius. It's completely brilliant, and quite terrifying. Wasson never does anything except look pretty in dresses and runs into battle only to be shot in the head with iron, and quickly dies. One out of two isn't horrible, I guess. I will also mention that one of the plot points was a very smart choice given the time period. I won't give it away because you should go see the movie.

I was surprised to see that one of my favorite actresses was the leading lady. I love Mary Elizabeth Winstead. She can do no wrong. Yes, I even loved her in the craptastic voyage that is Final Destination 3. I thought she was great as Mary Todd. She's an important part of Lincoln's development as a man, and she is definitely a strong supporting character.

I'm almost positive there are "glaring" historical inaccuracies, but I would also like to remind you that the film is called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. And do I really seem like the type to give a rat's ass about history? I didn't think so. So, for action, gore, an interesting plot and solid acting, I give it a 5/5. I was very entertained, and it was quite memorable. The only real flaw is villains that are a tiny bit weak to start, but come back with a bite (no pun intended).

Thursday, June 14, 2012


I think this is one of those "abandon all hope" type of movies. I know I had high hopes that it was going to be the super amazing awesome prequel to Alien. I mean, just look at it from a technical standpoint: the running time is over 2 hours, and it's produced and directed by Ridley Scott. What could possibly go wrong? I'm starting to learn that if a movie plot seems awesome, it's going to suck.

This is such a letdown that I don't even have enough material to rip on. Nothing happens. I wish I was lying, but it's true. There are no gory kills, a mutinous crew or (like the rest of world was waiting for) aliens. Want to know why they called this the prequel to Alien? At the end, some humanoid race get impregnated by a face hugger, and the mutated result sort of resembles the alien we're used to seeing. It's one scene that doesn't even last 3 minutes.

Another problem is the casting. Well, 2 people in particular. Noomi Rapace plays Elizabeth Shaw, an archaeologist. Noomi Rapace is best known for playing Lisbeth Salander in the original The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. She also had a supporting part in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. In both films, she is the definition of bad-ass female action star. Naturally, I thought she would basically be Ripley's predecessor. The character is the opposite of that. That's not a bad thing, but Rapace just isn't known for playing weaker characters and that is blatantly obvious. She looks so uncomfortable, and it's hard to feel anything when you can see the actress doesn't care for the character either.

The big name is Charlize Theron. I'm guessing she's supposed to be the bitchy boss/minor villain. I didn't buy it. To be more exact, it just didn't make sense. What did she have against the crew chosen for this mission? My first thought was there was some underlying power struggle, but you later find out she was never going to inherit the company anyway. And that's another thing: the plot goes from trying to discover the beginning of mankind, to family politics. It's not a smooth transition.

I also have no idea what's going on with whoever is rating these movies, but they need to be fired. It's rated R, but there's no sex, no extreme gore, and I'm 90% positive they don't even drop an f bomb. The only scenes of gore are a guy gets his arm partially broken and you see a tiny bit of bone poking out, a couple people get set on fire, and a robot gets decapitated. Maybe I'm desensitized, but I'm pretty sure you see stuff like that in PG-13 movies, too.

I'm at a loss here. It's just two hours of nothing, and there's no sex or violence to make it mildly entertaining. My first review after a week, and it's a goose egg. I am very disappointed, Ridley Scott. If you want to see a space mission gone wrong, just watch Alien and don't hope for a decent prequel.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


I love Robert Englund. I love the fact that he chooses to play the most over the top characters, and he totally pulls it off. Inkubus is no exception. If only the rest of the cast was as good at acting as he is. Besides Englund, another face you might recognize is Joey Fatone. He's the chubby one from 'N SYNC. And he's been the host of a couple shows that never got picked up for a second season. He plays Detective Tom Carretti, the head of a police station that's about to be demolished. We start the film with him supporting his wife while she gives birth. Things go from boring to hilarious when her stomach gets ripped apart by a demon baby that looks like a Jim Henson reject. The even was so traumatic that he ends up in a mental institution. That's right, this is one of those telling the end first and re-telling the events type of plot.

The re-telling begins with Carretti screwing one of the deputies. Seriously. Well, actually it looks like he's having sex with table and she's just bouncing under him, but whatever. After 10 minutes of exposition, they bring in a teenage boy covered in his girlfriend's blood. During questioning he tells the cops that a man appeared out of nowhere and decapitated his girlfriend. Of course this sounds way too crazy to be true, but right on cue Inkubus (Englund) walks in with the girl's head and "surrenders". Then all types of hell breaks loose.

One officer beats the crap out of the teen. Another gets disemboweled and hung by his own intestines. A shrink gets cut it half by a huge knife. It's so gory and chaotic, but it works.
Here's the only thing I love about this whole movie: Inkubus is the world's biggest douchebag. He completely destroys everyone's life in an instant, and it's brilliant. The rest of the cast? It's like they collectively decided to ham it up. It doesn't work. The rest of the movie is him making everyone hallucinate and kill each other. I think. It's not clear whether or not there's actually a demon, or if everything is "a physical manifestation of the demons each person has to face". While that might be an interesting plot in theory, I don't understand how killing each other in gruesome ways is facing your demons. Guess I don't think "deep" enough.

All things considered, this movie isn't horrible. It's an interesting premise, Englund is creepy as hell, and the deaths are pretty awesome. What drags it down is the rest of the cast. Everyone overacts, and there's really not enough character development to feel bad for them. I give it a 3 out of 5. It's not fantastic, but it's worth at least a one time watch just to see Englund do what he does best.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Chernobyl Diaries

Oh Oren Peli. The man behind one of the dumbest franchises in existence, Paranormal Activity. He didn't direct Chernobyl Diaries, but he did have a hand in the screenplay. That's how you know this movie had no chance whatsoever. For those of you that have the blissful privilege of not sitting through any of the Paranormal Activity films, let me sum up Oren Peli's writing style: nothing happens for the first 45 minutes, a lot of cheap jump scares, nothing is explained, annoying characters, and in the end the ghost/demon/villain always wins. To his credit, he tried something different for Chernobyl Diaries. Well, actually he didn't try at all.

We start with 3 people backpacking through Europe. We also see Jesse McCartney in his first live action movie role. Who is he? Some dude who sings mediocre songs, and is one of the new computer generated chipmunks. I never said he was famous for anything credible. They're on their way to Kiev to meet up with his brother Paul. After a good 20 minutes of pointless chatting and an almost confrontation with some locals, Paul comes up with the "genius" idea of Extreme Tourism. The location? Pripyat, the home of the workers of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor. I know that if everyone had said no, there would be no movie. However...Pripyat has very unstable fluctuations in radiation. Call me stupid, but that right there makes me want to just take my ass to a beach and get hammered. That is my definition of tourism.

The morons meet up with the world's worst tour guide, and two other meat bags. They set off for Pripyat. As soon as they get to the gate, there's security forcing them to turn around because of "maintenance" issues. They decide to just take a back way to get into the city. A mutated fish and yet another 20 minutes later, we get to the whole point of this damn thing. They go back to the van after almost getting attacked by a brown bear (seriously) where they discover the wires in the ignition have been chewed on. Did I mention their tour guide works alone, and no one knows they're there? You probably figured that out. So Mr. chipmunk and the tour guide decide to try to walk back to the entrance of the city to get help. At night. Armed with one gun and a flashlight.

Not even a minute passes before the tour guide is dragged off, and Theodore gets his leg mangled. From here on out, it's just a shaky cam mess. Everyone just dies rapid fire except for Theodore's brother and his now love interest. They somehow end up in the reactor, and get bombarded with radiation. They make it outside, only for the brother to be shot and the girl gets carted off to some medical facility. She gets placed in a dimly lit cell. The last scene is her being...eaten? Raped? Heavily tickled? It cuts away so damn quick that you're not sure if she lives, or if she's going to be turned into a zombie mutant. Yes, that is what lies in the ruins of Pripyat: zombie mutants.

I'm still trying to figure out how this script got picked up. It's freaking stupid. Nothing happens, there's zero character development, and you don't even get a good look at what's attacking everyone. And it's not even a damn diary! This was made to look like a movie, not a vacation video from hell. If something is called Chernobyl Diaries, I fully expect it to look like there's someone holding a handheld camera and I better see dates and crap. And it's rated R. For what? A broken leg and some f bombs? All of the deaths happen off-screen. You have a damn R rating... Why don't you freaking push it to its limit?! It really doesn't take a whole lot to get an R rating anymore, does it? -5/5. As you can see, I don't have warm fuzzy feelings for Oren Peli. If you want to see the ultimate vacation from hell, check out Cabin in the Woods or The Descent. I would recommend something that's in actual diary format, but those are always bad, too.

Sunday, May 27, 2012


I am a huge David Lynch fan. Blue Velvet is one of my all-time favorite movies. I managed to come across his first film Eraserhead in the library. Thank god I didn't pay for it...financially. It's freaking weird. Lynch himself said the film "was left to the individual's interpretation". I take that to mean he did a butt load of Acid and weed while writing the script.

We have the misfortune of following Harry Spencer, who is a printer that's on vacation. No, that has nothing to do with the "story", but it was heavily mentioned. He visits his girlfriend, Mary, and her family. During dinner, her father cuts into a chicken that starts spurting what looks like blood and her mother appears to have an orgasm. Once again, no rhyme or reason. Just her mother making orgasm faces for a minute. Then Mary's mother tries to make out with Harry, changes her mind and explains that Mary gave birth to Harry's child very prematurely.

Mary is then forced to marry Harry, and moves in with him. We then see the baby. Well, what's supposed to be a baby. I don't know what the hell to compare that thing to. All I know is it freaks me out and I don't want to think about it anymore. It refuses to eat and just wails nonstop. Mary loses her mind and leaves, leaving Harry to determine how to care for the "baby". And in one of the most unsettling scenes ever, the baby gets sick and is somehow covered in pus, sores and has maggots in its mouth.

Believe it or not, here's where things really go off the deep end. It goes from some resemblance of a story to random images and sequences. There's a girl with a disfigured face that supposedly lives in Harry's radiator. He has sex with the neighborhood slut. There's one scene where his head just pops off, spews blood and then the baby's head replaces his. His head then falls through a pool of blood, gets picked up by a little boy and his brain his sold to make pencil erasers. After 20 minutes of...whatever you want to call all of that, we find out all of that was a dream sequence.

Harry opens the door to see the slut getting ready to bang some dude in the hallway. The "baby" begins to laugh in a taunting manner. Harry unwraps the "baby's" bandages, and it's internal organs spill out. So Harry stabs the organs with scissors. Then the film just cuts to him embracing the lady in his radiator.

I don't know what I saw. I'm all for abstract or artsy stuff, but this must be what schizophrenics see. It might be open to interpretation, but how the bloody hell am I supposed to interpret that? Don't have premarital sex or else you'll have a deformed child? People live in radiators and will be your only companion in life? I'm just so confused and very itchy. I don't like it when a movie makes me itchy. I have to give this a goose egg. If you're going for symbolism, make sure the symbolism actually represents something. And if you're weird enough to want to see a freaky artsy Acid trip, look for Rampo Noir.  

Friday, May 25, 2012

Shark Night 3D

Every year, I manage to find a movie that just breaks through, and creates a whole new level of stupidity. Last year's champ was The Human Centipede. What could possibly be worse than some dude's poo porn fantasy?

I don't even know where to start with this one. First, it takes elements from the "rich kids on vacation, secluded, no cell phone reception" plot template. Instead of a psycho killer, it adds sharks. And now here comes the inevitable section where I rip this movie to shreds. The sharks are put into the lake by the sheriff and two local country boys. Oh sorry. Spoilers and such. Their reason? They want to make a hardcore version of Shark Week. I was not aware that there is a subgroup of Shark Week viewers that want to see a snuff film. So the Three Stooges have the "brilliant" idea of releasing sharks that reside in saltwater into a fresh water lake. How do the sharks survive? You know damn well we're not supposed to notice anything that is basic science. One thing I should mention is that we have a B-C list celebrity, Katharine McPhee, best known for...losing American Idol and not being able to have a single that can crack the Top 20. Ouch.

On top the that, they got the director of bad movie bliss, David R. Ellis. If you're not familiar with him he butchered, I mean directed, 2 of the Final Destination movies and Snakes on a Plane. The weird thing is, Ellis started as a stunt coordinator. His credits include The Matrix Revolutions and Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. The fall from grace is a short one, isn't it?

Another major flaw is one of the characters. I try to avoid any resemblance of racial stereotypes. Being an African-American young woman is hard enough. But... One of the characters is named Malik, who almost failed his final and is only able to go to college thanks to a scholarship. You can tell they didn't think highly of this character. As I mentioned, the group goes to the lake, and Malik is the first one to go water skiing. Like I said I really hate racial stereotypes, but how many famous African-American water skiers can you name? Or surfers? My point exactly. Malik is the first to be attacked and loses his arm. Later in the movie, he goes on a suicide mission to kill the shark that took his arm and ate his fiancee. During this whole scene, tribal beats play and he's holding a spear.

And now for the most obvious flaw: The rating. A horror movie doesn't have to be rated R in order to be good. It just works out that way. This movie is about freaking shark attacks, and it's PG-13. All you see is blood in the water, shootings and stabbings that don't bleed and more blood in the water. As for sexuality and nudity, you get some blonde dude's flabby butt and a whole lot of side boob. Most bad horror movies know they're terrible, and add boobs and gore to compensate. This can't even do that! On top of that, the end credits are 9 MINUTES LONG, with a 4 minute "rap" video.

I'm not going to give this a rating. Instead, I'm going to show you the "rap" video after the end credits, and I'll let you guess what rating this movie gets. Also, let me know if you actually sit through the whole thing. I owe you a drink.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Sex and the City 2

I really wanted to skip reviewing this one. Not just because it's basically someone taking a dump on paper and calling it a "witty screenplay". I hate this movie. It is so offensive and crude that makes anything Sasha Baron Cohen does look like Sesame Street. The film basically says getting married and having children means the end of your life as you know it. Oh, and men want to oppress women because we're so awesome...or something. I don't really know because I was too pissed off to really listen.

This is where I should maybe give my own opinion on the issue. I'm all for being independent, confident and sexually "experienced". These characters are just whiny old hags who should still be single so they can drink themselves to death. I hate these women. They make me ashamed to be a woman. I'm not going to go through the whole movie because I don't want to re-live it. The short version? Samantha the slut is on about 40 different kinds of pills and hormones to desperately cling to her youth. She's 52. At that point, her youth is dead and buried. Charlotte and Miranda are both married with children, and they both hate their kids.

They actually have the nerve to say that being a wife and mother is supposed to be easy. Marriage and being a parent won't be like going through all the levels of hell, but it won't be unicorns farting rainbows either. And Carrie...dear Horseface Carrie. What is her biggest complaint about new husband Mr. Big? He just wants to spend time with her watching TV and ordering takeout. And that he bought a TV for their anniversary instead of buying her jewelery. That's right. These have to be the most self-centered, spoiled, disgusting, and annoying women in cinema.

I don't even know what to say. This movie sucks, and I hope the people that made it get raped by rabid squirrels. Is it possible for me to give a movie a negative rating? Well, I'm doing it anyway: -5/5. If you want a raunchy comedy that's actually funny, just watch Horrible Bosses or Superbad. At least those actually have plots and likeable characters. I just realized those are quickly becoming scarce in today's movies...

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Slaughter Night

Have you ever seen a movie, loved it, waited a while to re-watch it, and found it wasn't as great as you thought it once was? The same goes for the opposite. Well, I feel the need to test that theory. I worked at a Blockbuster for a while, and I can't tell you how many "good" movies I saw. But enough back story, follow me back to 2007 for one of my favorite films: Slaughter Night.

I used to be really into horror movie magazines and websites, and I found out about Slaughter Night finally coming to the states. I fell in love with it. It was gory, the story was great, and I just thought it was very interesting. I saw it again today. I must've been out of my damn mind 5 years ago. Either that or this film was edited to death, but I'm 99.9% positive that didn't happen.

What changed my mind? Growing up and realizing what goes into a good slasher flick. This movie has none of those qualities. The first thing I have to mention is the shaky cam. It's not just one or two scenes. Any time there is a party or someone is about to die, it looks like the camera man is having a freaking seizure. Before I get into that, I should probably back up a bit.

We start the film with a little girl being kidnapped. It then cuts to (turn away now if you're extremely squeamish) the killer violently decapitating another child and sticking her head on a pike. The police catch the killer and save the other child. Then we get opening credits. Seems a bit abrupt, doesn't it? Get used to it. After the credits, we end up at a rave. People are doing drugs, the music is loud and nothing really interesting happens. We're introduced to the Dutch version of Kristen Stewart named Kris. She has what is probably the most obnoxious friends I have ever seen. Nothing continues to happen for 10 minutes until she starts arguing with her father about going on a trip to Australia. I'm guessing he runs a red light because they get hit by a huge semi truck. Kris' father dies in a explosion. The entire time she has this completely blank stare. I don't know much about acting, but if it's an emotionally charged scene like seeing a parent being turned into barbecue, act like you actually cared about him.

We're then treated to 20 MINUTES of her, her friends and her mother mourning. What does this have to do with the killer? If you guessed anything except nothing, I applaud you for being so optimistic. Then we're treated to more bad editing and Kris is just with her friends on a road trip. Are they going to Australia? Nope. Where are they going? An abandoned mine. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. And that right there is one of the biggest flaws of this movie: No continuity and no real plot. All the characters are just lumped together only to be picked off one by one.

Things might seem a little jumbled from here on out. There was so much shaky cam and bad lighting that I honestly don't know what happened. They use a Ouija board to contact spirits, they unleash psycho child killer, and psycho child killer kills them one by one by possessing them. The kills suck, and it's the same one over and over. Now I don't have a problem with decapitation, but when it's the only form of killing in a 90 minute movie it does become quite predictable.

Long story short, everyone except Kris and the dude she made googly eyes at survive. The end. I gotta be honest with you... This isn't how I was planning to start my new segment. I picked this movie because I remember it being so awesome. But, that's the whole point of this: ideas and preferences change. What I thought was awesome 5 years ago is just a shaky cam filled train wreck. Let me also say that I don't completely hate shaky cam. I just absolutely hate when filmmakers use it to build suspense or terror. If you have a good script, everything else should come naturally. That didn't happen here, so it gets a huge goose egg. Now it's time for me to take Advil and pray that the room stops spinning.

Site News

This has been a great first month so far. Thanks again to everyone that stops by and takes the time to read my ramblings. It does mean a lot because I do it purely for my love of movies, and the fact that I love to entertain people. I've decided I want to expand the site. I'm adding two segments: Memory Lane Reviews and Partial Damage. I'll also have theme months when I have the time.

Memory Lane Reviews will be me reviewing movies I saw a minimum of a year ago. A lot can change over a year, even opinions or movie preferences. I want to see if I feel the same way about movies I've seen over the years. Partial Damage will be movies that I just can't finish because they're so terrible.

As you can see I have plenty of ideas, but it is getting to the point where I need help. I would love to have guest writers, maybe even a co-writer if anyone has the time. Input on colors and backgrounds would be great. There's probably a million other things, but those are the main points I wanted to get to. So, if you want to join the madness just let me know. Thanks again, and I can't wait to make the site even better.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Avengers

Yeah... You knew it was coming. This is one of the biggest movies of the year/all time, so of course I had to go see it. What can I say about it that hasn't already been said? It's just a good, entertaining and action-packed film. The only things that might be considered flaws are that this is definitely a comic book movie, and the plot is a little simple. If I were to dive into why those are flaws, I'd just be nitpicking and I know I already do quite enough of that.

I will say that I grew up with DC Comics, so I'm not as familiar with The Avengers as I would like to be. But, thankfully you don't need previous knowledge of all the characters to understand everything. It's also hilarious. Each actor holds their own, and they don't overdo it. The action scenes are unbelievable. I really don't know what else to say.

Now, if you've read any of my previous posts, you don't I have absolutely no problem picking a movie apart piece by piece. I can't do that here. Is it 100% perfect? No, but no movie is. I feel that any minor details can be overlooked because holy hell this movie is awesome. I give it 5/5. Go see it. Go see it more than once, actually. We won't have another movie this good until The Dark Knight Rises comes out. I say enjoy it and fully appreciate it. They just don't make movies as good as they used to, but this is a pleasant exception.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Resurrection County

I think there needs to be an age limit when it comes to a group of people pissing off the local residents. If it's a group of 18-25 year olds, you expect it. It's like an unwritten rule in movies that youth equals stupidity. Now, if it's a group of 4 that are 35-40? Their dumb asses should know better. Especially when 2 are married, and the other two are engaged and pregnant. But, let's not get too far ahead. Take off your thinking caps so you can fully appreciate the stupidity of Resurrection County.

One major thing I need to point out: That blonde wearing a short skirt with big boobs? NEVER appears in the movie. So all the guys out there that were looking forward to seeing a nubile co-ed? Tough titty said the kitty. Instead we get the most unlikable cast I've ever seen in my life. We have Tommy (the moron), Lucy (moron's crybaby pregnant fiancee), Sam (asshole brother/husband that gets everyone killed), and Katherine (an excuse to show boobs in this movie).

We start with our main characters at a gas station. We sort of find out they're on their way to ride ATVs in the woods in the middle of nowhere. Why couldn't they just do it the comforts of their own state? Because then we wouldn't have a movie. They get close to their destination, but not before almost running over children in a redneck reservation.  After 5 minutes of witless banter, a butt naked bald dude comes running at them with an AK-47. They freak out and speed off further into the woods.

Stop right the hell there. Who the frack in their right mind would continue to travel further into a place where they almost got lit up by a butt naked redneck? Oh right. Common sense has to be non-existent in this universe. We get to the completely secluded campground. Tommy finds out Lucy is pregnant. Lucy is also Sam's sister. Instead of being happy for the couple, Sam goes into full asshole mode. His reasoning? He was the last one to find out. Now, this whole sequence is supposed to get you to bond and feel sorry for these characters. I don't. These people are idiots.

Sam is butt hurt because no one wanted to tell him about the pregnancy. Well, duh that's because you've achieved a level of douchebaggery that takes years to get to. His wife is like a plank of wood: she doesn't do anything and just kind of sits there. Lucy shouldn't even be on this trip. She knows she's pregnant. Why would she continue when she almost turned into Swiss cheese 10 minutes ago? In order for these events to happen, everyone has to abandon common sense, intelligence, and just the basic need to want to be safe. And...we still have 45 minutes left.

Back to future mincemeat theater. Sam and Tommy go riding, leaving the women COMPLETELY ALONE at the campsite. After 10 minutes of the men bitching and the women almost setting themselves on fire, we actually find the damn plot. Sam and Tommy come across a house. Don't ask me why they were looking for one. I stopped caring. Mind you, as they progress toward the house, there are very large signs that say: "Keep out", "Turn Back If You Want To Live", and my personal favorite "All Trespassers Will Be Shot". They knock on the door to the house. A redneck with an open shirt and man boobs greets them with a shotgun.

Another redneck shows up. The movie tries to go for a whole suspense thing. It just doesn't work. At this point, I least wanted Sam to die for being an asshole that apparently wants everyone to get maimed beyond recognition. But, Tommy unfortunately saves him, killing the second redneck in the process. Let the crap storm commence.

Alright, I really hate this movie, so I'm wrapping this up: Katherine dies while butt naked and giving a shotgun a blow job, Sam is beaten to death, Tommy almost gets butt raped, Lucy gets an arrow to the head. Tommy thinks he made it out alive, but still gets shot in the head. Oh yeah, the sheriff gets sacrificed for some reason. So...this movie sucks dog balls. I'm supposed to believe people that old are that stupid and oblivious to obvious danger? You know, I'm not even going to go for the obvious here. All I'm going to say is if your movie is called Resurrection County, I better see some damn zombies. Big surprise to no one, this is yet another goose egg.

How can you insult the intelligence of your audience, when your own movie has none of its own? This is like the 2nd, 3rd and 4th Final Destination movies. These events could only happen by very elaborate and stupid means. I would get it if there was alcohol or drugs involved. But all of the main characters were of sound mind and judgement, and they still decided to piss off rednecks? I think I need to go lie down. And I really need to stop getting movies from Redbox.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

I know. Believe me, I know. Hell, Tom Cruise is the only one that gets top billing on the damn posters. That being said, he's actually not the main focus of the movie. Is he the main character? Without a doubt, and he damn sure won't let you forget it. Does the supporting cast even get more than 5 lines each? Surprisingly, yes. Tom Cruise toned down the bat poop megalomaniac craziness long enough to give every one else a chance to showcase their acting chops. And, I commend him for that.

Paula Patton is pretty good as the bad-ass female that wants to avenge the death of her lover. Simon Pegg is great as the comic relief. I was glad that he was actually funny, and not totally corny. Jeremy Renner can do no wrong in my eyes, and he does not disappoint as the former IMF analyst/ex field agent. The whole story revolves around the fact that Ethan Hunt (Cruise) has been framed for a bombing at the Kremlin. Whoever framed him also stole codes for an active nuclear warhead. As a result of the bombing, the president issues Ghost Protocol, which means IMF no longer exists.

It is very formulaic in that something goes wrong, Hunt has to fix it and he usually has to do it on his own to save the day. I will say Cruise really needs to stop doing action movies at this point. He definitely showed that his body isn't quite as robust as it used to be. Other than that, I can't find anything horribly wrong with the movie as a whole. The plot was interesting, every cast member held their own and the action scenes were pretty decent. So, I give it a 3 out of 5. It's not horrible, but it's not the best thing ever. I say just give it a shot just for the supporting cast and the action sequences.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

The Dead Want Women

Asylum. Bloody Disgusting Selects. Full Moon Productions and several others. What do those names mean, you ask? They unleashed some of the most godawful movies in existence. Today, we're going to focus on Full Moon Productions. If the name doesn't ring a bell, some movie titles will: Subspecies, Puppet Master, Evil Bong, Gingerdead Man and many, many others. The company started way back in 1970, thanks to Charles Band. I gotta hand it to the guy, he does kind of have an empire. While most of his films are pure crap, this is the company that gave us Re-Animator, one of my all time favorite films. That being said, a small handful of good movies does not excuse 50+ bad ones. And dear god, are some of these bad. Now that we got the back story out of the way, let's find out why The Dead Want Women.

You might recognize Eric Roberts from... Um... Well, you might recognize him. Poor guy. I don't think he really ever had a chance considering his sister is Julia Roberts. Tough act to follow. His career has been nothing but B, C, and D movie bliss. But, I'm not here to talk about depressing careers. Even though I would love to do that instead of re-live this buttass movie.

We start in the 1910s-1920. It's the party of some big silent film actress that everyone hates. Nothing really happens except her giving a speech about how rich and beautiful she is. Sounds modest, huh? Then, she goes into a secret passageway in her mansion. There she meets her 3...brothers? Henchmen? Sex buddies? This movie is 77 minutes long, and it never explains what the hell ties her to them. While I sat there trying to figure out if I zoned out and missed something, poof! Naked lesbians out of freaking nowhere. No, seriously. There's barely any dialog and then there's just two butt naked lesbians going at it. Is it a ritual? Is this a freaky sex club? Your guess is as good as mine because no one says a damn thing about it.

Anyway, two of the 3 I don't know whats join the lesbians and have sex with them. It's at this point where I was trying to figure out when the bloody hell Redbox started selling soft core porn. Did I mention we're now 35 minutes into the movie? So far we have a bitchy actress masturbating to this whole thing, a fat dude trying his best to make it look like he's actually having sex,  and Eric Roberts as a rejected Eyes Wide Shut extra. But, wait! There's even more.

The actress's butler comes down to inform her that the studio has fired her because they're phasing out silent movies, and her voice is too horrible for her to act in a picture with sound. I'm heartless, but damn that was cold as hell. My sympathy for her quickly disappears because she loses her mind, shoots her 3 buddies, her butler and slits her own throat. Oh, and when she slits her throat? The fake wound is already freaking there. Nice editing guys.

We're now 40 minutes in. There's 37 minutes left. Do you have about 20 different questions? Too bad, because I'm about to create more. We're now in present day, and the sex/murder/suicide mansion has just been sold. The realtors are two blonde chicks that I'm just going to call Barbie and Skipper. They don't do anything for 20 minutes except clean the house, get drunk and wait for the "buyer" to come get the keys.

Big surprise to no one, there is no buyer. One of the sex buddies/ghosts just pretended to buy the house over the phone. Skipper is killed, Barbie is captured and becomes possessed by dead bitchy actress. The end. I did not skip anything. The last 10 minutes of the movie is the realtors getting captured, the "ghosts" arguing, possession and then the credits roll.

Before I go any further, I have to bring up one of my biggest movie pet peeves: titles that have nothing to do with the movie. The dead want women, apparently. Why? For the whole possession thing? Nothing indicated she was into any sort of magic. The devil wasn't involved. Just poof, capture and bad guys win. Second, are they ghost, demons or zombies? There's a scene of one of the henchmen getting his whole damn head getting blown off. They say he's dead, but he's back 30 seconds later. And, when they appear it's in the form of a green fart mist. So that leads me to believe ghosts...that can be shot.

I'm mad as hell and confused. This movie just sucks, and it was basically a poor attempt to cover up the fact that it was supposed to be a short about lesbian porn. Yet another huge goose egg. If you want fapping material, run out and buy this now. If you will excuse me, I'm going to drink and kill enough brain cells until I can forget this movie even exists.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


You know what hurts the most? Watching a movie that you think is going to amazing, and then it just falls on its ass. That is Chop in a nutshell. I don't know too much about it other than it's part of "Bloody Disgusting Selects"  and it makes Automaton Transfusion look like Oscar material. For those of you who are blissfully unaware, Bloody Disgusting is a horror magazine. Yes, that's all they are. I'm going to guess and say that the movie production aspect of the magazine felt they reviewed enough movies, so it was time to just make one. Oh, how wrong they were. But, enough about bad business decisions. Let's hack this movie to bits (I am so, so sorry but puns were going to pop up at some point).

The film starts with Lance. His car breaks down in the middle of the desert. Some random weirdo picks him up and they talk about nothing for 45 seconds. Then weirdo asks the type of question where you know your life is screwed: Who would you rather save, your brother or your wife. Lance is stunned and terrified by the question. So much so that he doesn't notice the big ass tranquilizer gun in weirdo's pocket. Lance gets knocked the hell out, and we get opening credits. We pretty much go from 0 to 90 in 10 seconds. Any other time this would create suspense. This time it's more like the movie is desperately trying to cover up that it has no idea what it wants to be. But, moving on.

We cut to a warehouse. Lance's brother is tied to a chair. We hear Lance's wife screaming and crying on the phone. Weirdo tells Lance to axe his brother, or his wife will get butt raped by a big man named Rico. Thanks for easing us into the plot, movie. I'm now supposed to feel sorry for characters that I know nothing about except this has got to be the worst night of their lives. Lance kills his brother, and his wife is saved... only Weirdo McDouche faked the wife in distress call. So...Lance killed his brother for nothing. Bummer, I guess. Weirdo goes on and on for a good 5 minutes about how Lance will pay for what he did. It is at that point we finally get to the damn plot: Lance did something unspeakable to Weirdo, and Weirdo wants some hardcore revenge. Don't get happy. It really isn't as good as it sounds.

The next half hour is just Weirdo messing with Lance in the most dick way possible: kills his wife, cuts off all of his fingers and frames him. Lance meanwhile has a breakdown where we discover he's a paranoid crackhead. We're treated to a lovely scene where he finds out Weird has bugged him somehow. So what does he do? Fingers himself in the butt to see if the bug is there. That's the first place he looks. No tearing the house apart, just cavity search.

Some other crap happens that I wasn't paying attention to because I got bored, then we reach...the endings. I say endings because it really seems like the writers came up with 3 or 4 different scenarios, and couldn't decide which one they wanted in the movie. Lance admits he remembers what he did. While in a cracked out stupor, Lance robbed some dude named Ray, ran him over, then tried to dispose of the body. Ray lived. Only...big shock here... The weirdo isn't Ray! This is where you're supposed to be genuinely surprised. Weirdo calls Ray. Ray lost a leg because of Lance. So Ray is more than happy to get his hack and slash on.

Now, I'm going to warn you that from here on out, this is where the movie says screw you to the audience and does whatever the hell it wants. Ray brings along his ZZ Top reject cousin Jed. Jed is gross and creepy. He decides to do the chopping for Ray. He taunts Lance by jerking off the axe and other weird stuff happens that to be quite honest I prefer to forget. Weirdo gains a conscience and calls it off. Jed wants to deep throat the gun. No, I did not leave out a scene between those two sentences. Ray somehow dies. Or maybe he left. Dunno, don't care. Weirdo and Lance laugh over the shenanigans that just happened. And...Weirdo still chops off his leg. End of the movie, right? If I'm not that lucky, neither are you.

Lance tries to jog his memory again. He remembers that he got a $10 blowjob from a hooker and didn't pay her. The hooker sees Lance with his wife and makes a huge scene. Lance tries to shut her up, and breaks her neck in the process. The hooker must've been Weirdo's daughter. WRONG. Weirdo's daughter died of cancer at 13. Weirdo has sex with a transvestite hooker to find out if the dead hooker had any family or friends. We then meet Stephanie, dead hooker's lesbian lover. Once again, someone else that is revenge happy. First, she wants to chop off Lance's dick (can't believe I was actually hoping for that). Instead, we get a fake out and she takes his other leg. Her reason? "There's nothing worse than a man who has a dick, yet no hands to jerk off with". So poetic.

Finally we're at the end of this...whatever the hell it is. Weirdo shaves and puts on a tux. Lance wants to die, and to be honestly so did I while I was watching this. Weirdo injects Lance with an antifreeze cocktail, and then shoots himself in the head. Right before Lance dies, he sees a diamond on Weirdo's keychain. Lance now remembers him. So what was the unspeakable horror Lance committed against Weirdo? Bumped into him, called him a fatass and flipped him off. That's it. Lance didn't steal from him, murder his family...just those three things.

I lost 88 minutes of my life for that. Oh, where do I begin? Don't make a piece of monkey turd, and just say it's a revenge horror movie. The only thing that was horrifying was the acting and editing. If you make a revenge flick, then the act that triggers the revenge better be worth it. This was just a fatass who took words and actions a little to personally. Now, don't get me wrong. Lance was a douche nozzle, too. And other thing: when you put a character through all circles of hell, make him likable. I wanted him to die. In 10 minutes, I learned he's a drug addict, murderer, cheating husband and just all around jerk. All together, this is yet another goose egg. I can't even say it's worth a one time watch. If you want to see a battle between the biggest jerks on the planet, then this is the movie for you.  Those with good taste and a minimal grasp of common sense will look for something else.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

The Cabin in the Woods

Sorry for the brief hiatus. I can now say majoring in Information Systems is probably not the smartest decision I've made in my life. While I was away, I did get an opportunity to see a few movies. The first (because it is motherfreakin awesome) is The Cabin in the Woods.

It is so rare to see a movie that is actually original and entertaining. Unless you have Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard writing and directing it. I already know this movie isn't everyone's cup of tea. I will say we can all agree this had the best marketing strategy I've ever seen. The previews showed the bare minimum and any plot descriptions were general. Also it had the balls to say it was just like Shaun of the Dead or Evil Dead. That right there made me not want to see it.

Thank god I thought twice.

Holy crap, this is one of the best horror movies I've seen in the last 5 years. Typical plot with an atypical result. And...that's all I can tell you. Yet another movie where if you dive fully into the plot it gives everything away. I'm not going to do that to something this perfect. I've seen it 3 times in a week. I didn't even do that for The Dark Knight. I'm more than happy to give this 5/5. Trust me, folks. Go see it now. You'll thank me later.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Ghosts of Goldfield

I'm coming to terms with the fact that for every good movie I watch, there are two bad ones that will follow. The trend continues with Ghosts of Goldfield.

The first thing I have point out it that it has one of the actors from Twilight: Kellan Lutz. If you have no idea who he is, don't worry about it. I believe he only has 7-8 lines in this movie, and he also dies rather suddenly. I just love the fact that the cover for the DVD claims "he outshines his performances from Twilight and Prom Night. And I know why he said that. In both those movies, his characters only get 2-3 lines. So, the 7-8 mark must be like hitting the lottery to him. It's a sad day when the character with the least amount of lines ends up being the most memorable. Brace yourselves. This is going to hurt...

We start the film with the cheap and choppy float away credits. And this pretty much sets the entire course of the movie: cheap and choppy. There's zero continuity and I think the budget was $250. Nothing really happens for the first 15 minutes other than a slutty kleptomaniac. I'm not kidding. 20 minutes in we find some resemblance of a plot: idiot college kids doing a documentary on ghosts so one of them can get a TV show on the Discovery Channel and extra credit for her Psychology class. Now, the last time I checked ghosts are not part of any college curriculum, but I digress. The peanut gallery decides to "investigate" Goldfield Hotel, a place where a double murder of a mother and infant occurred. Did I mention it took ANOTHER 20 minutes to describe what I just said?

Before we can get to the motherfreaking point, we have to have a convoluted plot point about how the main chick's ancestor (a maid of the hotel) tipped off her employer (the owner of the hotel) that his mistress (the ghost) was cheating on him with a bartender in the hotel, and that the baby wasn't his. So the owner of the hotel went into super rage mode, killed the baby and then tortured the woman to death. Confused as hell? Too bad, because they don't really try to sort it out later.

30 minutes of the movie is just them walking around, and the main chick having flashbacks of her bitchy ancestor. Oh, and the ghost possesses slutty klepto so she'll sleep with the main chick's boyfriend, prankster douche. Why does the ghost go through the trouble of making that awkward scene happen? You're funny if you really think they'll resolve any of the plot points in this movie. Anyways, slutty klepto and prankster douche are caught in the act in one of the funniest scenes of the movie. I say funny because it is so over done, and Mr. Twilight looks completely lost throughout the whole thing.

Nothing happens for 5 minutes, and then everyone dies rapid fire. Slutty klepto gets her head or jaw chopped off. I say that because it's so damn dark that you can't see anything except blood spurting from the wound. Prankster douche gets scratched to death. Slutty klepto's boyfriend falls down some stairs. Mr. Twilight gets thrown around like a rag doll under his skull gets crushed. And finally the main chick gets killed by the ghost of the owner. I think. All you know is he burns her eyeball with a cigar and she keeps screaming. Seriously. That's how the movie ends. No final showdown, nothing is resolved. The climax is over in 5 minutes. Even better? The end credits are 7 MINUTES LONG. The movie would've been less than 80 minutes without them.

I'm not even mad at this movie. It's just boring as hell. It doesn't go anywhere, the cast is completely forgettable and the lighting is so bad that you have no idea what's going on 90% of the time. They couldn't even make the ghost some kind of tragic figure that was a victim. No, she was just a skank that cheated on the wrong dude and it came back to bite her on the ass. There, I said it. This gets a 1 out of 5. I only give it a 1 because I was able to laugh at how stupid the characters are. Other than that, stay away from this one and just watch Ghost Adventures. At least the host is hot...

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Hellraiser: Revelations

Just so we're on the same page, I have no system for my reviews. I just pick the first movie that catches my eye on Netflix. Now that you know I have no freaking clue what I'm doing, let's get into the latest dog turd from Dimension Extreme: Hellraiser: Revelations.

Let me start by saying, I'm actually a big fan of Dimension Extreme. 80% of their movies are just 85 minutes of gore and penis jokes. I live for that stuff. That being said, I would still like a story and character development to go with gore and tits. This movie has none of those qualities. We start with the lazy formula of two teenage boys that take a trip to Mexico to get laid. To add to the originality, they're filming their exploits, making you think the whole movie is going to be that whole shaky camera thing I can't stand. Then out of nowhere it shows one of them opening the puzzle box from hell. He gets his face stretched out by hooks while a very fat and short Pinhead gives his whole spiel about pain and pleasure being one and the same.

While all this is going on, you're lead to believe they're showing the end of the story at the beginning. That probably would've been a vast improvement over what actually happens. For the sake of bringing 5 very annoying people together, we learn the families of the teens are close friends and have tried to bond over the "tragedy" of them missing. Don't ask me what any of their names were, because I didn't give a rat's ass. Anyways...we cut to the mother of one of the boys looking at the tape of her son's friend being skinned alive. I think we're supposed to feel bad that she has to see it, but you never do. Her daughter aka teen that is slutty for no real reason walks in, and tells her mother to suck it up because her son is probably dead and there's no point in mourning over him. Sounds like a sweetheart, huh?

We're then introduced to the other family. Less annoying, but you still look forward to their inevitable deaths. 30 minutes of flashbacks that add nothing to the story except that the son that opened the puzzle box is a mean little puke anus that feels the need to bang anything with a vagina. He screws a hooker, then kills her by bashing her bead on a toilet and leaving her to die. Keep in mind we're supposed to feel sympathy for all of these people. A random bum gives the teens a puzzle box, then out of nowhere we cut back to the families arguing about whether or not they should bring up the memory of their probably dead sons. No time to bitch about that because not so asshole-ish son shows up, bloody and confused. It took 30 minutes for him to show up. The movie is only 75 minutes long. The only scene that is worth mentioning during this whole sequence is that he tries to bone his own sister. If it wasn't for the fact that there was a jump scare of him ripping off her tit, we probably would've been subjected to a full incest sex scene. Thank god for small favors...  But wait! We're now reaching the climax of the story. I must've missed the "foreplay" of the story, but moving on...

After an explanation that still makes no sense to me, asshole son found out his mom was having an affair with not so asshole-ish son's dad, and the two decided to run away to Mexico to escape their harsh realities. Asshole son made not so asshole-ish son kill random hookers so he could absorb their blood to get his body back. Then he stole his skin, thus sending the only real likable character to get tortured by Pinhead. Asshole son then torments what's left of both families until Pinhead shows up again to take him back. Dumbass dad shoots the kid before Pinhead can have his super happy torture fun time. For reasons I still cannot understand, Pinhead takes the mother away as payment.

Slutty daughter and dumbass dad are then back in their living room. He dies of a gunshot wound that I don't remember him getting. The final scene is slutty daughter crying, reaching for the puzzle box and then staring at the camera seductively. And that my friends... is Hellraiser: Revelations. Holy crap on a cracker, this was bad.

Now there are movies that are so bad, they're good. This ain't one of them. You hate every single character and you want them to be slaughtered. Pinhead has apparently not aged well, and instead of being creeped out when he shows up you just laugh. And the hell was the damn "revelation" supposed to be? The whole affair thing that was only brought up once and no one was really upset about? The kills weren't even good, and most of the gore happened off camera. If you want to see this just to saw you've seen all of the Hellraiser movies, knock yourself out. But...this gets a big fat goose egg from me. Just because you have the ability to add to a franchise, doesn't mean you should. How could Clive Barker let this happen? The world will never know...